How is it possible to nose-dive into a down-ward spiral in the blink of an eye? To be diagnosed with such a horrific condition in which limited resources are available to actually help. The meds they loaded into me seemed to be doing squat, I would just mutter in disbelief everytime my doctor suggested to up the dosage, as if that were actually going to make a difference.
What makes it most difficult is wondering if the diagnosis is even correct,
I've never been a materalistic person. I never needed the latest fashion fads, never cared for a big fancy house, or a souped up sports car. Quite honestly, the simple things in life appealed to me much more.
I went through several rough years with my family, barely talking to them when I was first diagnosed. It wasn't until almost three years later that we reconciled. Maybe it was partly because of the shame I had felt. I was their defected daughter.
I felt greedy having been retired from my Army career seven and a half years too early, and yet receive a check each month. I felt undeserving, and pitiful. Once in a while an old friend or family member will drop by to see how I'm doing and what I've made of myself. They ask me what I do all day, which brings me to one of my symptoms. I cannot for the life of me remember what I had done five minutes ago, let alone all day. I've learned to keep a tiny notebook to document what I had done during the day, but I seldom follow through in doing that. It's beyond embarrassing when I have to hang my head down and reply "nothing" even though that's not the truth.
The idea that I used to have the world in the palm of my hand consumes me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and I'd give anything for just one more chance.
By now you are probably bored with hearing my pity party, as I have gotten bored with it myself. I realize now how powerful our self perspective can actually be. It's an undeniable fact that people will believe whatever you tell them about yourself, and in turn, you really start to make yourself feel that you are worse off than you actually are. It's sad when you look around and nobody seems to believe in you anymore, but how can they when we don't even believe in ourselves?
It's like that old saying goes... Change your mind, Change your world.
Easier said than done right? You bet! I guess the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to start with easy obtainable goals, and work our way up from there. One thing I have definitely learned is that I cannot take another failure, and jumping into the deep end knowing that I'm a lousy swimmer, is setting myself up for failure.
What makes it most difficult is wondering if the diagnosis is even correct,
I've never been a materalistic person. I never needed the latest fashion fads, never cared for a big fancy house, or a souped up sports car. Quite honestly, the simple things in life appealed to me much more.
I went through several rough years with my family, barely talking to them when I was first diagnosed. It wasn't until almost three years later that we reconciled. Maybe it was partly because of the shame I had felt. I was their defected daughter.
I felt greedy having been retired from my Army career seven and a half years too early, and yet receive a check each month. I felt undeserving, and pitiful. Once in a while an old friend or family member will drop by to see how I'm doing and what I've made of myself. They ask me what I do all day, which brings me to one of my symptoms. I cannot for the life of me remember what I had done five minutes ago, let alone all day. I've learned to keep a tiny notebook to document what I had done during the day, but I seldom follow through in doing that. It's beyond embarrassing when I have to hang my head down and reply "nothing" even though that's not the truth.
The idea that I used to have the world in the palm of my hand consumes me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and I'd give anything for just one more chance.
By now you are probably bored with hearing my pity party, as I have gotten bored with it myself. I realize now how powerful our self perspective can actually be. It's an undeniable fact that people will believe whatever you tell them about yourself, and in turn, you really start to make yourself feel that you are worse off than you actually are. It's sad when you look around and nobody seems to believe in you anymore, but how can they when we don't even believe in ourselves?
It's like that old saying goes... Change your mind, Change your world.
Easier said than done right? You bet! I guess the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to start with easy obtainable goals, and work our way up from there. One thing I have definitely learned is that I cannot take another failure, and jumping into the deep end knowing that I'm a lousy swimmer, is setting myself up for failure.